I Will Miss This World
by littlewicked1982
Summary: The night before the final battle. Harry knows just what he will miss.


Title: I will miss this world

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Nope not mine, and If you do not know, who they belong to you have been living under a rock

I will miss this world. That the only thing that I can really think as I sit here at the Three Brooms drinking Butterbeer with my friends and my lover. I do not even know if they know, strange actually, because I have known since fifth year. From the moment that I exited Dumbledore's office one phrase repeated its self in my head. _Neither can live while the other survives. _It was then that I realized that was exactly what Voldermort and I had been doing. We were living while the other survived. I could have that wrong it could be we survive while that other lives, but either why the results are the same. It was outside Dumbledore's office that I found that little hole in the prophecies patchwork. In the mist of my morning, I found it oddly comforting, funny even.

It was midway through summer holiday that I realized the other big hole in the prophecy. If Voldemort lived and shared the same space as I did what could that mean? I drew that only logical conclusion that I could. To defeat Voldermort, to save the wizarding world from that dark essence I too would have to die. I would have to sacrifice myself. What is that old saying? The needs of many out weights the needs of the few, that few being me. At first, I did not rave at the injustice of it. I did not curl up on my bed and ask the powers that be why me. I did not cry for all that I would lose. I did not stay up at night and tremble in fear. No, I did not do any of that. I embraced it. Little mattered to me after the loss of the one person I could call an active parent in my life. I was so wrapped up in grief that all I saw it as was a way to see him again. And that is all that really mattered to me at that time. I would not have missed this world then, I would have slipped quietly through the veil if I had been allowed.

I of course came back to Hogwarts for my sixth year. I barely made an effort in class. I would sit amongst my friends and not hear a word that was being said. However, slowly I would laugh at Ron's antics. Smile at his and Hermione's bickering. Pay attention in class; go flying for a reason other than catching the snitch. I could walk the streets of Hogsmead truly having fun. I began to enjoy life again. I had stopped morning Sirius. It would still hurt to think about him but I could look at the good time with a smile on my face. Like the time that we stayed up all might playing wizards chess, while he told me stories of him and my dad.

It was about that time that someone caught my eye for more than just someone to argue with. He had reformed. He had gone to Dumbledore and asked for protection, sanctuary, a refuge and in exchange, he would fight for the light. Draco Malfoy then became a good guy, and he became tentative friends with Ron, Hermione and I. He dropped his fake persona that he had held up for the last five years and let us get to know the really Draco. While it was, true that he is arrogant, narcissistic, and easy to anger to the point that Ron and I make a sport of it sometimes. Hey what can I say we are guys. About more importantly after all that It was obvious that Draco and I could hang out, fight, talk, study and there would always be a under currant of attraction and sexual tension. An accidental brush of a hand would send tremors straight up my spine. Our eyes would meet and I would be lost in the different shades of grey that blended perfectly. There was an undeniable attraction between us, but still neither of us made a move on the other.

It was then when everything was going so well that I came to my third realization. I could not do this to them. I could not place them in a position where they would be grieving for me the way I did Sirius. What kind of person would that make me? Therefore, I pulled away. I would spend hours in the Room of Requirement practicing every hex, curse, spell, and defensive charm that I knew. My grades where the best they ever had been. I would avoid my friend going straight to the kitchen to eat. I became inaccessible to them. I almost dropped out of Quidditch, but I could not give up that last thread to of what use to be my life, or maybe it was that Sirius bought me my broom.

I thought the more I practice the better chance I had of making it out of the final battle alive, but I didn't want to bring them down with me if I failed like I know I will. If I kept them at arms distance, then healing for them would be swift. I blew off every time one of them would try to talk to me. Told Dumbledore that I had came to a few decisions that did not include them. I acted like I did not care that I was hurting their feelings. Better to do it now I reasoned then to have them hurt when you die. I said horrible things. I told Hermione that she was a little busy body know it all and she had better thank Draco for enlarging her teeth because her having them shrunk was the only reason Ron would look at her. I picked on Ron for his lack of money. Then I punched him in the mouth when he told me that I was acting like Draco use to. I told Draco that the only reason he was even on our side was because his daddy could not protect him anymore, could not buy his way out of trouble for him. I wanted them to hate me. I wanted them not to care. Meanwhile my heart was breaking. I missed playing chess with Ron. I missed Hermione's logic. I missed the chemistry Draco and I had. I felt like I was dying inside and Voldemort was not even around.

If I can say anything about my friends, it that they are smart and do not give up easily. I am not sure which one figured it what exactly I was doing, but if I had to put money on it, I would say Hermione. Nonetheless, Draco was chosen to ambush me while I was on one of my four-hour practices in the Room of Requirement.

"I thought that I would find you here." He startled me when he said it. I had the door warded so getting in without me knowing would have been tricky. I did not let that surprise show.

"You found me. Congratulations. Want a prize?" I was using the same snarky voice that I had been using for the last month.

"Yes I do." He said coming to stand beside me. "I want you to drop the attitude that you've gotten and be Harry again." His responses surprised me. I was not ready for this conversation. I doubt that I ever would have been.

"I don't want to talk to you. Leave I have work to do." I raised my wand to cast at the hand drawn picture of Voldermort, but Draco pushed my hand down. I closed my eyes savoring his touch. I was 

trying to take it in so it healed just a little part of me.

"I'm not leaving till you talk to me."

"Fine, I'll leave." I turned to find him standing in the center of my path to exit. He mirrored my moves, left, and right, back to center. "Get out of my way."

His lip curled up to the now Hogwarts famous smirk. "No, I can do this all day, but I would prefer not to test that theory."

I ground my teeth in irritation. I am not ready for this I thought. I cannot let him tear down the wall that I had so carefully erected around myself. "Move Malfoy."

"Make me. Be warned though you will have a hard time doing it."

"I don't want to have to hurt you."

"As if you could Harry, but feel free to try if you must. I just want to talk. And I'm not moving till we do" He crosses his arms over his chest in defiance.

"I have nothing to say to you. I have nothing to say to anybody." I held my ground. I had to. They were going to lose me. How could I justify not preventing that pain.

"I find that hard to believe seeing in how you haven't talked to anyone in over a month. Not that I blame you. After how you have been acting I'm surprised anybody would want to talk to you." I had to admit he did have a point. It was all for a propose I reasoned to myself.

"If I'm such horrible company then what are you doing here Draco?"

"We figure it out. We put the pieces of the Harry Potter puzzle together and came up with the only picture that made any since."

I will admit even with protective instinct in my body screaming at me to stun him and leave, I stayed. My curiosity like a true Gryffindor won out. "And what do you think that you have figured out exactly?" I baited him. Selfish I know. I could not help it my soul cried out for some kind of human contact. Five more minutes I told myself, and then you have to find the strength to walk out of this room and leave him behind once again. Leave them all behind.

Draco hosted himself on to a table nearby. "We think that you're pulling away from us because you're afraid that if it's known that we are 

friends with you we are more likely to become targets of Voldemort. We also think that you're afraid that when you finally fight him you'll lose." He looked at me even more closely than before. "I think you are scared that you are going to die."

It came as a complete surprise to me to hear a high-pitched laugh fill the room. Even more of one to realizes that it was coming from me. "Good! Very good. You figured it out." I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears that were streaming down my face. "You think that changes anything? It changes nothing." I looked at him the tears of laughter cleared from my eyes. I wanted him. I wanted to be a normal boy. One that could have what the others had. I wished that I had someone to love, some one that could love me without the threat of being hurt in the end. Someone that did not have a Dark Lord trying to steal life or his sanity time after time. I quickly banished those thought. I had already learned the wishes amounted to jack shite. "Go back to your life Draco. Tell Ron and Hermione the same. It will just hurt you all in the end." I made for the door once again. Draco jumped in front of my

"I'd love to." I looked at him confused. "I'd love to just go back to my life. You make it sound so easy. The only trouble being that you are part of my life." I could tell he was getting irritated when he ran his hand through his perfect hair affectively messing it up. "You conceded arrogant, arsehole!"

That took me off guard. "I'm sorry. What?"

"You heard me! I called you an arrogant, conceded, arsehole." He poked me in the chest with every word. My mouth was agape. Draco Malfoy had the audacity to call me the names that he would normally have the copy right to. He poked me in the chest again. "Who are you to make this decision for us? To take away our free will? You do not have that right. We are not stupid we know the price of war. You so wrapped up in what could happen you haven't even paid attention to your present, to what is happening."

"That just it Draco." My voice just below of an ear blooding decibel as I yelled at him. "You know the price of war. But have you ever felt it? What it is like to lose someone and know without a shadow 

of a doubt that you will NEVER see that person again. Have you?" I saw him shake his head and I continued on my rant. "I have. I know what it is like to miss someone so much that you would die if you could just have one day more with them. Is that what you want to go through?"

"No. I don't." His voice pained. "But I will. Because I refuse to live like I'm already dead." He was yelling back at me not one to be out done.

"I can't do that to you. I cannot leave this world knowing that you will be in pain when I do. I am not sure that if I continue to live my life that I will have the strength to face Voldemort. Then where will the wizerding world be?" I looked him straight in the face my voice had lowered to a normal tone. "When the final battle arrives I will die Draco." There is no way around it. I beat him, to make sure that Ron and Hermione's future children do not have to live in the same world that we did. I am going to have to die. That is the only way to beat him. You think I want that." He took a step closer to me. I looked and caught his eye. "Do you think that I want that?" Tears where welling up in my eyes but I continued Draco getting ever closer. "I don't want to leave this world. I want to be beaten in chess by Ron. I want Hermione to hound me about my homework. I want to see them married and their kids running up calling me uncle." Tears had escaped my eyes and made slow wet trails down my checks. Draco reached up and brushed them from my face, leaning his forehead against mine. "I don't want to leave. I do not want to die. And I don't want them to have to suffer for that." I let out a choked sob and he played with the hair at the nap of my neck.

"Shh, Harry you don't know that is what is going to happen. Everything will be fine." He was trying to be soothing. His touch was an abundance of help. It was like a calming drought. "And even if it's true. Even if that really does happen I would rather enjoy whatever time we had together, then worry about what could happen. I have faith in you Harry. You just have to have faith in yourself. If you don't participate in life what's the point in you living." His breath was whispering on my skin and I drank it in like the dessert sand drank the rain. "Don't push me away."

I nodded against him. No, I would not hell at that point I could not. He had given me what I so desperately needed, and I saw the error of my ways. I had to live again. I had to trust that they loved each other and were strong enough to make it through that pain.

Our lips were but inches apart. His fingers that still played at the nap of my neck sent trembles straight down my back and to my groin. I bit back a moan. Just glowing in his touch. Still wrapping my mind around our conversation.

"I want one more thing." I said to him just above a whisper

"What that?"

I gathered my courage, my heard beat wildly in my chest. "I want to tell you that I love you." I saw the happy, surprised, shocked look in his eyes just before I closed that small gap and attached my mouth to his. His lips moved against mine and there was no purer magic in Hogwarts. It was our first kiss and it tasted of vanilla. From that moment, I knew I was hooked, because I would never get enough of the taste of vanilla.

When we left the room, Ron and Hermione were waiting for us outside.

"Everything alright now Mate" Ron asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah he talked some since in to me." I lowered my head ashamed of my past actions. "Look guys I'm sorry for how I've been acting."

Hermione came and wrapped her arms around me for a hug. "It's ok we understand." She pulled back to look at. "But Harry James Potter, if you ever do this again so help me gods."

I smiled at her. "Don't worry Hermione I won't" Draco came up and took my hand and everything was right with the world, if only for that moment.

That had been in sixth year, and I for the next year and a half I lived life like I had all the time in the world. I still practiced like crazy; my schoolwork still beat the grades I had gotten in the past. Now it was with my friends and my lover by my side. Not much has changed.

This will be our last night. This will be the last night that I am on this earth. Dumbledore had announced that tomorrow the Order would 

make a surprise attack on Voldemort. Let us keep the element of surprise. I cannot blame him for that. This war has raged for far too long to let it go on any longer. We have lost too many good people in the fight. So no, I cannot bring myself to be angry at Dumbledore for his decision.

So why are we at the Three Broomsticks and not preparing for battle? Simple really, I figure that if I do not have what it takes to beat Voldemort and live through it at this point then I never will. Ten more hour of practice will not insure the victory it will just succeed in tiring me. So good friends and Butterbeer is what I have chosen to do with the last night of my life.

I am going to miss this world. Ron and Hermione had announced their engagement a few months ago. I am meant to be Ron's best man. I just smiled, congratulated them and told Ron that I would be honored. I will miss that because I am going to be dead. I know you think that I say it so matter of factly but the truth is that every time I think it I have a hard time catching my breath. That I will not be there to see one of the happiest days in my best friends lives. I will not be laughing at Ron as he paces nervously in the grooms chamber. I will not see Hermione walk down a flower covered isle looking beautiful. I will not see their kids grow up and hear about their adventures at Hogwarts. I remind myself that this sacrifice is for them, so they came have their happily ever after. So their kids can live in a world where they do not have to worry about one or both of their parents not coming home. The thought soothes me some.

Draco has been a nervous wreck all night. He has never been more than five feet from me, not that I mind I do not want him to far from me at all to night. I want to bath in his presence as much as possible. I think of all the things that I will miss I will miss him the most. He has truly been my light at the end of a very dark tunnel some times. I marvel at his strength. Not only can he keep me in check, but he turned him back on all that he had known. The price was hard for him. He had lost his family, his friends and what I think bothered him the most, His status. Through all that, though he kept his head high.

I will miss his touch the way his hand will find its way under the 

table to my thigh when we sit next to each other. I will miss the way that he sneaks up behind me and wraps his arms around me before his whispers hello lover in my ear. The way his face will turn five shades of red when Ron and I are giving him a hard time. The way his body feels curled beside me after we have made love. Hell I will even miss him talking in his sleep and then swearing I was hearing things in the morning, because after all it has been pointed out to me that Malfoy's do not talk in their sleep it much too undignified. Gods will I miss him.

Funny that ever thing is more vivid tonight. The colors are much more sharp, and the voices so much more clear. Another reminder that come this time tomorrow that I will not be here.

Ron raises his glass. "A toast!" He announces. "To a victory with few losses: Let Voldemort rot in the underworld."

Bottles, glasses and mugs rise in salute across the bar mine included. "To victory." The voices ring in unison. Ron grabs Hermione around the waist and dramatically dips her while giving her a long kiss. I laugh at their antics. I will miss them.

Draco come to my side and slips his hand in mine. He can see the sadness in my eyes I am sure.

"You ready for tomorrow?"

I take a good look at all that I will miss. All the people that I will never talk to after tomorrow: All the things that I am to fight for. Damn sometimes fate just plain sucks I pulled him in front of me and wrap my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder. I tried to force a smile on my face. "I don't think that I will ever be ready, but I'm as ready as I'll ever get."

"You can do this Harry. Together we can do this." His eyes are pleading with me to believe him.

I smile at him. "I know Draco. I know."

"I love you."

"I love you." He's lips touch mine and once again, I am lost. After all this time, he touches me and I am putty. After all this time, I am still addicted to the taste of vanilla and the scent of patchouli.

What the three of them do not know is they will not be on the battlefield tomorrow. After some long research, I found a potion that 

will put them to sleep after a certain incantation is spoken. I figure that I gave the better part of my childhood and adolescence to the cause and will be giving my life. The least the magical world can do is let me see the three people that I care for the most safe from harm. They each have a letter that they will receive tomorrow. Not that that will ease their pain or their fury. However, I refuse to let them die. I refuse to let them see me die. It will be hard enough for them to move on with their lives they do not need that emotional baggage as well.

I look around at it all again and my soul hurts so much that I feel like I am choked. I bury my nose in Draco's hair. The tears at the corners of my eyes threaten to fall. He looks up at me questioning, and without words, I reassure him that I am fine and draw him tighter against me. I will miss them. I will miss him.

I will miss standing outside at an hour to early to be mentioned watching the sunrise and feeling the warmth on my face. I will miss snuggling up next to each other with hot chocolates after a snowball fight. I will miss walking down the street holding hands and ducking in to an ally for a quick kiss. I will miss the stars, the moon and the sun. Bloody hell I am going to miss this world, but most of all I am going to miss him.


End file.
